Divorce and Anxiety in Children

Parental divorce or separation marks a major life transition for any family. While it solves the situation for parents, it creates instability for the children of the family. Children rarely view divorce or separation as positive. For children, divorce feels confusing, frightening, and deeply unsettling. Despite these feelings, many children can adjust well over time. Still, others experience heightened anxiety, sadness, or behavioral changes as they navigate shifting family dynamics. One of the most important predictive adjustment factors is the level of parental conflict.

Anxiety in Children During Separation and Divorce:

When parents separate, children often struggle to understand what is happening. They wonder what it means for them, their relationship to each parents and their future. Some of the more common worries are:

• Fear of loss or change/transitions “Where will I live?” “Will I still see both parents?”
• Guilt or self-blame: Children sometimes believe they caused the separation. It is their fault.
• Fear of abandonment: “If one parent can leave, what about the other?”
• Uncertainty about daily life: Changes in homes, schools, or schedules can trigger anxiety and insecurity.

Rather than verbally expressing and communicating their worries, anxiety often shows up as:

• Sleep difficulties or nightmares
• Stomach aches or headaches with no clear medical cause
• Irritability, clinginess, or emotional outbursts
• In class concentration difficulties
• Regression (e.g., bed wetting or thumb-sucking) in younger children

Effects of Parental Conflict on Children

Research shows that exposure to parental conflict is one of the major predictors and underlying factors behind children’s anxiety. This exposure to conflict is more problematic than the separation itself. Children’s safety is undermined when children are caught in loyalty binds, witness anger or feelings of resentment between parents. As a result, their emotional distress increases.

Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee conducted a follow-up study of children ten years after their parent’s divorce. They found that 41% of the children were doing poorly. The adult children were worriers, angry and underachieving. They had significant anxiety centered around commitment, relationships, love, marriage, intimacy, family, and the idea of having children. They also had trust, abandonment, and rejection issues.

Conversely, the children who thrived came from families where parents co parented, collaborated and prioritized the children’s best interests. They had a positive, respectful relationship with each other and did not undermine the other parent’s authority or decisions. Both households maintained a structured and stable home environment. Routines and rules were similar and were consistently applied and reinforced by both parents. Any disagreements and/or heated discussions were carried out in private, away from their children’s ears.

Post Separation/Divorce Parenting Styles

Researchers identified four main parenting styles post separation/divorce:

• Friendly Parents: Parents keep a cordial friendship and are respectful of each other. They work together in the best interest of their children sharing decision making, and child rearing decisions.
• Cooperative Parents: Both parents are respectful and work together in the best interest of the children. Although “not friends” they communicate amicably with each other. Most importantly, they manage their underlying feelings for the children’s sake. They set aside resentment and conflicts. They are careful not to share any of their disagreements or feelings about the other parent with their children.
• Angry Parents: Parents can’t manage their underlying feelings. The ongoing issues, battles, anger and resentment the parents have towards each other are clear to the children. These conflicts often include visitations and custody arrangements as well as child support payments.
• Fiery Enemies: Parents are visibly hostile and angry with each other. They have no reservations exposing their feelings, hostility, resentment and conflicts with or in front of the children. Often, the children become conduits for transmitting negative and hostile messages between parents. This situation leaves them torn between the love they have for each parent. They feel forced to choose sides, thereby increasing their emotional distress.

Research consistently demonstrates that minimizing conflict between parents acts as a significant protective element for children. It’s essential for parents to refrain from subjecting their children to any disparaging remarks about the other parent. Instead, parents should consistently affirm their child with the understanding that each parent loves them unconditionally. They should also reassure their children that they will always be cared for and protected. This approach fosters resilience and facilitates a more positive adjustment to their parents’ separation and/or eventual divorce.

How to Support Children Through Parental Separation/Divorce:

Children cope best when they feel safe, heard, and supported. Some helpful strategies include:

1. Maintaining predictable routines. Consistency in daily activities—mealtimes, bedtime, and school routines—helps children feel grounded.
2. Communicating with honesty and reassurance. Use age-appropriate explanations and focus on stability (“You’ll still go to the same school,” “You’ll see both of us often”).
3. Encourage open expression of feelings. Validate and confirm your child’s emotions like sadness, anger, or confusion without minimizing or ignoring them.
4. Model calm coping strategies. Children mirror their parents’ emotional tone. Managing your own stress helps them manage theirs.
5. Reassure them of love and stability. Emphasize that the separation is an adult decision. It is not their fault. The parent’s love remains constant and will not change.
6. Collaborate with schools. Teachers and counselors can help monitor the child’s emotional well-being and offer extra support when needed.

When to Seek Professional Help:

If anxiety persists or begins to interfere with the child’s daily functioning, it is helpful to seek professional support. The child’s challenges often include issues like ongoing sleep problems, school refusal, or social withdrawal. A psychologist can help children:

• Understand and express emotions in healthy ways
• Build coping and problem-solving skills
• Strengthen self-esteem and resilience
• Reestablish a sense of security and predictability

Family or parent sessions can also help caregivers navigate co-parenting challenges and support their child’s adjustment more effectively.

A Message of Hope:

Separation and divorce can be deeply challenging for all as new forms of the “family unit” emerges. With empathy, good communication, and consistency within both homes, children can adapt and even thrive after divorce. Early understanding and support are key to helping children transition with confidence and emotional well-being through their parent’s separation/divorce. This will open the door to healing and positive growth.

Support for Children and Families:

If your child is showing signs of anxiety or emotional distress, consider seeking professional support. If they are having difficulty coping with family changes, this support can make a meaningful difference. Parents can also gain from professional support as they navigate through this significant life changing transition.

References:

Foxman, P. The Worried Child: Recognizing Anxiety in Children and Helping Them Heal. California. Hunter House Inc., 2004

Wallerstein, J. and Blakeslee, S. Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce. New York: Hyperion, 2003.